Something to look forward to

I recently heard someone say that everyone needs three things to feel significance in their lives:

Something to Do
Someone to Love
Something to Look Forward To

This struck me as important for prisoners because prisoners have nothing to do, no one to love (and they don't know how if they do), and nothing to look forward to.

The "Something to Do" is something with significance. It's not just busy work, but something that makes a difference. Anyone can busy themselves with work, or play, but if they have nothing to do in their lives that has significance than it's not really "Something to Do".

Loving someone and being loved by someone are both basic human needs. It's difficult to feel significance in your life if you don't have someone in your life to love. You need someone to share things with, both joys and sorrows, and someone who loves you unconditionally. Many prisoners feel unloved long before they committed their crimes, but coming to prison only exacerbates the problem. Those who have someone to love (and love them back) often don't know how to have a successful relationship and end up sabotaging that relationship.

"Something to look forward to" is the hope that everyone needs in the future. It may be hope for a goal achieved, a relationship healed, a successful business, children safely and 'properly' raised, or a host of other possibilities. But prison is filled with hopelessness. Men and women who look forward to the time when they may be released from prison and are unsure of what awaits them on the other side. Perhaps they've been down a long time, or their family support has dies or faded away. Perhaps they have been unable to keep up their skills and don't know what work awaits them. Or perhaps they fear the demons that they will have to face again, drug addiction, alcohol abuse, and other addictions. 

Prisoners aren't the only ones who need significance in their life though. Take a little time for some self-examination and ask yourself, "Do I have something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to?" Maybe it's time to focus on something that will give you significance again.

Forgiveness

Recently a prison official was killed in Colorado, supposedly by a gang member who had just been released from prison. This is a tragedy any way that you look at it. That's why I was struck by what the wife of the murdered man said when interviewed by CNN. She said that her husband had told her that many of the victims of prisoners were in a prison of their own through unforgiveness. She was choosing to forgive the man who murdered her husband because she refused to imprison herself through unforgiveness.

Forgiveness is extremely important for victims of crimes so that they do not make worse their victimization. It's probably the most important element of healing from what was done to them (or their loved one). But I realize it's hard to do. It's so much easier to hold onto their anger and bitterness and to justify it because of what was done to them. But holding onto this anger and bitterness only imprisons the victim. 

Forgiveness is important for prisoners too. Forgiveness from the victim (or family) is important for healing, both mentally and emotionally. Also important though is the prisoner's ability to forgive himself. When your crime has devastated not just yourself (through imprisonment and loss), but your family, who has to deal with the numerous consequences of your crime and subsequent imprisonment, the guilt and shame can be overwhelming. 

I recently spoke with a man who is serving time for killing two people while driving drunk. He told me that there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't think about his victims and their families and the loss the he caused. He'll go home in a few years and be able to start his life over, and for some that doesn't seem like justice since he took two lives. But for some prisoners, the guilt of what they did will be a lifelong prison they'll live in. You might ask why he shouldn't live with that prison of guilt?

When you can't forgive yourself, you give power to the person you were, making it impossible to change. Forgiving oneself does not mean living with no regrets. I'll always regret what I did and all the loss and pain it caused. But I choose to forgive myself because I refuse to empower the man I was, to hold me back from the man I'm becoming. 

I can only pray that in time, those who need to will free themselves by forgiving me. Forgiveness doesn't excuse the behavior, Forgiveness prevents the behavior from destroying your heart.

What's stuck in your craw?

I've heard it said before that when someone is violently opposed to or highly outspoken about something that he may take this position because of an unconscious (or perhaps conscious) self-hatred. Like the Republican Congressman who carried the banner against gay rights (was VERY opposed), and then it came to light that he was having a sexual relationships with male interns who worked for him. 

Or the guy in my unit who is serving two life sentences for murder. He's proud of the fact that he killed two child molesters, and yet he finds the youngest guy he can in our unit to have a sexual relationship with. Self-hatred resulting in Life in prison? Maybe...
We can use our own irritations to shed light on our own issues. For me, I find that arrogant people really irritate me. I'm aware that arrogance is often a mask for insecurity, but when someone adamantly claims to be right 100% of the time, or acts as if they know it all, I don't want to be around them. 

But I'm also aware that perhaps the main reason arrogance irritates me so much is that I too can often be arrogant. So, while it's not necessarily a given, being aware of your own triggers or irritations can reveal "blindspots" about yourself that you might not have known or perhaps have been suppressing. 

Final Four

Go Michigan! Sorry Michigan State, Ohio State and Notre Dame fans... :)
I'm not even a basketball fan, but I've gotta root for my team!