Father's Day Reflections From Prison

Just over a week ago, a good friend of mine approached me beaming with a smile on his face. He was holding his JPay tablet, and he wanted to show me something. After years and years of praying and trying to get in touch, his son that he had not seen or spoken with in over twenty years had contacted him. He'd sent pictures, not only of himself but also of his two children. My friend saw his grandchildren for the first time. Since that day, my friend has spoken on the phone several times with his son, and he's beginning the process of mending years of hurt and abandonment. I was thrilled for his good news. 

Another friend has also begun, after twelve years, to heal his relationship with his children's mother as they work towards him rejoining his children's lives. This friend has been instrumental over the last several years of bringing programs into prison to help dads learn how to be better fathers, even from prison. After helping other men re-establish relationships with their children, he's seeing fruit in restored relationships with his own children. 

Over the years, I've met many men in prison who, like me, long to have relationships with their kids. For various reasons they are currently unable to, even though they'd give just about anything to reconnect. I've heard the criticisms, "you weren't thinking of your kids when you committed your crime," and "you don't deserve to be a dad...they deserve better." Those criticism are justified, but it doesn't change the fact that many men, after they gain some clarity about their terrible choices, deeply regret leaving their kids without a father. They do deserve better, even from us. 

It's almost cliche the cycle of abandonment that exists in prison. So many men have experienced either physical or emotional abandonment or abuse from their own fathers. Many more never knew their fathers. It almost seems inevitable that many would, in turn, abandon or abuse their own kids. Few have had good models to follow. That doesn't excuse their own betrayal of their children, and I seldom hear men blame others for that betrayal. It's just a sad fact. We know we've done our children wrong, and we desperately want to fix that. Most of all, we just want our children to know they are loved and that they matter to us. 

There's not a lot of pride in being a father in prison, especially on Father's Day. It hurts like hell, if I'm honest about it. We try to remember the good times, and we revel in pride for our children, even when we're not in their lives. They do deserve better than we've given them, which is why some of us are working so hard to make them proud now. Whether or not we experience the same blessing of reconciliation my two friends are having, many of us will keep hoping it'll be us next. And we'll keep working to do right by our children, even if it is a bit late.