Your Place to Belong

I am re-reading my favorite book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, and there's just a treasure-trove of wisdom to be found within its pages.

In one chapter Brown talks about the differences between belonging and fitting in. She points out that fitting in requires you to change who you are for acceptance. Belonging, on the other hand, is about being who you are.

There's a tremendous amount of relevance to prisoners in the subject of belonging versus fitting in. Many prisoners, myself included, are quick to point out what makes us unique from others. We like to celebrate our differences. We somehow believe that being different, however that is defined, is a way to separate ourselves from the obvious dysfunction around us. It's easier to look at others as somehow messed up in the head--that's why they committed their crimes--but to explain our own actions as "mistakes." We don't like to think of ourselves as broken.

Even in the midst of celebrating our differences though, when you look around yourself in prison you see a lot of desperate attempts to fit in. There is rampant gang or religious group affiliation for identification and the feeling of belonging. You also see similar body art (tattoos), and hear the same stories told thousands of times from hundreds of different people, each trying to one-up the other. Granted, there are a lot of similarities among most prisoners: histories of drug or alcohol abuse, poverty, low education, family histories of abuse or neglect, and poor modeling from the influential adults in their lives.
There's already a sense of kinship among many prisoners. But rather than accepting these similarities and using them as a springboard to changing the behaviors that led to incarceration, we tend to look for ways to separate ourselves from the masses, all the while adapting to fit in whatever group we've chose to identify with.

Perhaps this is why so many released prisoners return to prison. Rather than addressing the behaviors that led to prison, and the faulty thinking that led to those behaviors, most prisoners spend their energies adapting to fit into groups already filled with other dysfunctional people.

I've talked several times before about authenticity and I think that authenticity is the key difference between belonging and fitting in. Work on changing what you need to change in your life, but do it for yourself, not for someone else's acceptance. Make the changes necessary to be a healthier you: Spirit, soul, and body. Then you can bring a more whole person to whatever relationships that you're in. Being the real you is so freeing and it will lead you to belong to those who love you, without them first requiring you to change. 

Crisis in Leadership

In a couple of weeks Americans will go to the polls to vote for men and women to represent them in political office. But finding a candidate with integrity may be challenging. 

Perhaps it's a little ironic to hear a prisoner talk about integrity. After all, to commit crimes one must not have integrity. Even so, I recognize the need for integrity in my own life, and in the lives of those we elect to represent us. 

Maybe a working definition of integrity would be helpful. Integrity is when someone possesses and demonstrates positive character (such as trustworthiness, honesty, and loyalty) consistently in his life. Consistency means while others are watching and when you're alone.

Other than prisoners or politicians, when you think of people who may lack integrity you might also think of car salesmen, and lawyers - I would also add prosecutors - but let's talk about politicians for a minute.

Every election year there is an influx of T.V. commercials for politicians running for office. These commercials, by and large, are negative attacks on the opponent. Many of these ads obfuscate the truth at best, or flat-out lie at worst. When politicians on both sides of the aisle lack integrity in their personal or professional lives voters are reluctant to trust these politicians to represent them with integrity. Instead, the politicians are viewed as self-seeking, and untrustworthy. 

Undoubtedly, political leadership involves tough decision and it's impossible to make decisions that everyone agrees with. But when we choose a person to represent us in political office we want someone who has integrity in all of his or her dealings.

When political candidates are willing to lie about their opponents, or to stretch the truth on their own record, the people who are asked to elect them are forced to choose between a representative with no integrity or staying away from the polls altogether. The low turnout rate in nearly every election may be an indicator of the public's lack of trust in politics, and in the candidates running for office. 

We can try to solve the financial crisis, the health care crisis, the border security problems, or the myriad other issues politicians face, but until we solve the crisis in leadership and begin electing men and women with integrity to represent us we will continue to have leaders who are concerned with advancing their own agendas, meanwhile lying to our faces in the process. 

I'm Not Perfect, And That's Okay

Today in our church service the volunteer speaker talked about criticism and the damage it does not just to one-on-one relationships, but also to the healthy of a body of people (in this case a church). He urged each of us to commit to "fast" from criticism for a period of time as an intentional act of unity.

I was particularly interested in this idea because I've been studying personality types lately and I've discovered that my personality type tends to be critical of others (something I already recognized in myself). This criticism is due mainly to the desire for perfection in myself and others. While I don't always voice the critical feelings I have these can come across in the way I respond non-verbally or even in me just distancing myself from others. 

I don't like this aspect of my personality, but I recognize that there are strengths to perfectionism when balanced properly. The difficulty is in finding balance. 

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of being a perfectionist is the pressure I put on myself. Achieving perfection is often an unrealistic aim, and the failure to achieve this perfection can become a loud voice of accusation if I'm not careful.

Coming to prison, and the failures that brought me here, have often threatened to feed this overwhelming voice of criticism. Criticism can be constructive and beneficial, but more often than not it serves only to chip away at feelings of self-worth and feed feelings of shame. 

I've already come to grips with the fact that I'm a flawed person. But rather than be shamed by these failures to be perfect I'm learning that I'm not alone in my failures. Every one of us has flaws, but when we learn to draw on the strengths of others, and shore up others where they're weak we become an important part of the collective strength. 

I'm sure I'll continue to be critical of myself and others, but hopefully I'm learning to use only constructive criticism and to cut myself and others a little slack. After all, it's often our flaws that make us interesting and unique.