A Prisoner's Cycle of Grief

Recently when I was sitting in a Jackson College stress management class in prison where I am a teacher's aide, the professor was covering grief cycles. Grief cycles were originally named "Stages of Grief" by psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who identified them. These stages are:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance 

The stages were later called grief cycles because most people don't normally move linearly through each stage, but rather they cycle through the stages, sometimes repeating stages and even getting stuck cycling between two or three stages for prolonged periods. 

As the professor was talking about these cycles of grief, it occurred to me that many prisoners (and probably the families of prisoners as well!) go through these stages of grief. When someone is first arrested, it is common for them to either outright deny what they are accused of, or to shift the blame to mitigate their own culpability. This stage of denial is often quickly followed by anger, at the victim or witnesses for exposing the offender, at the courts for aggressive prosecution, at one's lawyer for failing to effectively defend the offender, at the jail guards for treating the offender poorly, at family members for their lack of support, and finally at oneself for making stupid choices. Sometimes this stage is followed by bargaining, where the offender decides to push for a plea deal rather than face a trial. This stage also includes bargains with God: "Just get me out of this, and I promise to live right from here on out!" Before long, usually within weeks or a month or two, depression sets in. In my own experience, this stage is the longest, although I found myself reverting back to anger from time to time. It sometimes takes a while to get to the point of acceptance. 

Acceptance is not, as one student asked the professor, giving up. It is not resigning oneself to the plight one is in. It is acknowledging that one cannot change the past, including one's own mistakes. It also means recognizing that some consequences cannot be avoided, but they can be embraced as a means to molding and shaping one's character. It means learning to use what are otherwise unfortunate and tragic circumstances to make a positive impact wherever one is, now and in the future.

It is when one comes to the point of acceptance that true transformation begins to occur in one's life. Getting to this point doesn't mean never making stupid decisions or choices again. But it means being more introspective and self-aware. It means fostering hope in a better future and taking steps to ensure that happens.

When I came to the point of acceptance in my own cycle of grief, it changed the way I looked at my future. For my first few years in prison, while I was simply trying to survive the challenges of prison, I was also unsure if there was going to be any life for me after prison. I didn't feel very hopeful in my chances, and I'm a pretty hopeful person. But when I came to a point of acceptance, I decided to be intentional about preparing myself for eventual release and to do what I could to help others do the same. This has given me purpose, and I have found it highly rewarding. It hasn't been easy, and I doubt it ever will be, but I find the acceptance stage much more peaceful to live in, even if I still cycle back to other stages from time to time.