The Philosophy of a Reluctant Leader

In the same leadership class I wrote about last week, we were asked to write a final paper reflecting on leadership. I titled my paper, "The Philosophy of a Reluctant Leader" because throughout my life I have often been in leadership positions, but I find myself much more reluctant to volunteer for such positions today. I have a personality that lends itself to natural leadership, and my aspirations in the past have meant that I would pursue leadership opportunities. But after my precipitous fall from grace that led me to prison, I realized the devastation of my fall was multiplied by the negative impact it had on those who I had been leading. And so I became a reluctant leader. 

Effective leadership requires two things: high competency and good character. One may have high competence and bad character and be a terrible leader. One may also have good character but lack competence, and, therefore, good leadership skills. Both are required for effective leadership. In the leadership positions I was in before coming to prison, I believe I was a competent leader, but I lacked the good character necessary to be an effective leader, and other people suffered for it when I came to prison. Today, I find myself reluctant to volunteer myself for leadership roles because of my knowledge that my past failures multiplied the damage I caused. 

I also find myself somewhat reluctant to lead because two more qualifications of effective leadership are humility and vulnerability. Coming to prison has done a fine job of humbling me (it still is), but vulnerability is hard! Vulnerability requires a certain level of trust, and the longer I spend in prison, the more and more difficult I find it is to trust others. Yet, I know that vulnerability is necessary if I am to use my experiences, failures and successes, to help others heal, to help others avoid the same damaging choices I made. As author Henri Nouwen said in his book on Christian leadership, In the Name of Jesus, "the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self." I know I don't have much else to offer at this point. 

My past failures might not disqualify me for some future leadership roles, but I know that effective leadership means having good character, so now I find myself pursuing good character rather than positions of leadership. I believe that leadership roles I am equipped for will naturally follow if I am properly prepared. And if they don't, I'm okay with that now. I no longer feel the need to be a leader, at least for the same reasons I had in the past.