Who Bears the Burden of Incarceration?

A mother of another prisoner recently expressed to me her frustration with her son's dumb behavior in prison. She remarked that she has read much about "being there" for your incarcerated loved ones, but she has read little about the affect it has on those on the outside who support them. The sad reality is that those who are left behind bear a lot of the burden when their loved one is incarcerated. This mother's woe prompted me to ask my own mother about the burdens she's had to bear because of my incarceration. It was difficult but important for me to hear about these burdens. Some burdens are obvious, but others are borne in silence. 

Every person's experience is unique when they have a loved one in prison, but most share some commonalities. These include:

1. Financial Stress--Whether it is paying for bail, court costs, defense or appeal attorneys, utilities or car and house payments, phone calls, visitation trips, or helping wives (or husbands) and children, sending Securepaks, and putting money on a prisoner's "books," it can be very costly for a loved one to go to jail or prison.

2. Absence--When loved ones go to jail or prison, their absence is deeply felt. They miss their children's games, recitals, significant school events, first steps, first words, birthday celebrations and holidays, vacations, good night kisses, and so much more. Their absence may also mean having to find someone else to watch the kids, fix a leak, mow the lawn, run an errand, and many other things. Aging parents also have to find other people to rely on for help. 

3. Shame--Having to explain to people who don't know where your loved one is (jail/prison) can be very shameful. While loved ones are not responsible for the prisoner's crime, they often face the immediate shame of that crime. Children face merciless ridicule in school, wives/husbands face ostracizing by judgmental "friends" and community members, and parents face the stigma of a "deviant" son or daughter. This shame doesn't just end when the loved one returns home either. 

4. Greater Risk--Children of incarcerated parents especially face greater risks than children without incarcerated parents. These include being the victim of bullying or a crime (including sexual assault or abuse), struggling in or failing school, increased mental health and behavior problems, and committing crimes themselves. Spouses, especially wives, are also at a greater risk of mental health problems, divorce, predation, job loss, financial instability, discrimination, and violence. 

Prison and sentencing reforms are important issues, but we must not forget the burdens experienced by loved ones of incarcerated people. Those of us who committed crimes have obligations to make right our wrongs, and that includes to those "secondary" victims who suffer too--our loved ones. I am sorry to each of you who have had to bear the burdens of my incarceration, and to those of you who have had to share the burden of your loved one's incarceration. You should not have to suffer because of our bad choices. 

I'd like to hear from you. In what ways have you suffered the most by the incarceration of someone you love? Please send me an email or letter, or leave a comment on this post. You, too, have a voice that must be heard.