Prisoners in Profile: My Story

 Soon, I will be starting a series on this blog called "Prisoners in Profile." This series will briefly feature the stories of various prisoners, highlighting who they were when they committed their crimes and who they are today. I will tell each story following personal interviews. My intention with these stories is to demystify the image of prisoners. We are people with stories, often filled with brokenness and bad choices, and some of us are determined that prison will not be the final word in our lives. So, I thought it might be helpful to start with my own story, although in very abbreviated form. 

In 2009 I was a husband and father, experiencing business success, was active in my community, and basically appeared to have my life together. But looks were deceiving. In March my house of cards fell apart, and I was convicted of first-degree criminal sexual conduct involving someone close to me. I had been privately living very differently than the image I was projecting for others around me. Eventually, I was sentenced to 17-45 years in prison, of which I have served 11 1/2 years. 

Several factors contributed to me committing my crime. I believed at the time that I didn't need anyone else, so when I found myself struggling with a pornography addiction, I was too proud to ask for help. Although I appeared confident, I had a deep insecurity that I could never be good enough. This insecurity led me to wear masks, to project power and control, to value only my own views and opinions, and to put my needs above others'. Shame dominated my life, but my pride kept me from seeing this and from addressing that shame. Instead, I deepened it with my choices.

Although I accepted responsibility for my crime right away, I found ways to minimize my responsibility, to "save face" by justifying or explaining my behavior. After a few years, I came to understand the full impact of what I had done, and my sole responsibility for my behavior. Several things influenced this change in me, but one that stands out is Daniel Goleman's book Emotional Intelligence. He recommended telling your story from the perspective of the one you've harmed, and that completely changed how I viewed myself and my crime. I could no longer minimize what I had done. Another impactful author has been Brene Brown, whose expertise in shame research has changed the way I view others and myself. 

Besides these books, discovering the role of addiction in my life has helped me to address the underlying issues that led to my addiction and find healing. I'm grateful for the prisoner who was courageous enough to speak honestly into my life and start me on this journey of recovery. I'm also grateful for my sponsor and accountability partners (mainly prisoners) who have helped me in my journey of healing. These men have discipled me into a deeper, more authentic life of faith. What had once been a part of my "image" has become a deeply held and authentic reality in my life. It baffles my mind that I had to come to prison to experience such rich and deeply rewarding friendships. As a result, I am challenged to be more present and active in all of my relationships. 

What my future holds is uncertain. One of my greatest fears is probably the stigma society will hold against me, despite serving my sentence and doing so much work on myself. Regardless of how I will be viewed though, I have much repair work to do to the damage I've caused. My recovery work is just the beginning of my lifelong obligation to those I harmed, including my former faith community and my family who has been shamed by my crime. 

I'm grateful for Calvin University who has invested so much into my life through the Calvin Prison Initiative. Earning a bachelor's degree is great, but learning how to authentically live out my faith in practical ways, to live life with purpose, and to know that God can and will use even my broken story for His glory gives me hope that my life might still have meaning in the end. Prison took everything from me, but God has used this prison experience to shape me into the man I should have been all along.