A couple of weeks ago, another prisoner in my housing unit made a serious effort to end his life. Though he was not successful, he will never be the same, physically or likely psychologically. His attempt rattled many of the men in this cell block, because many of them also suffer from despondency, depression, and desperation.
Some of the men responded, as expected, with an emotional armor of tasteless jokes or apathetic remarks. It's a disgusting coping mechanism I've come to recognize in both prisoners and corrections officers. Others were moved with compassion for the man, wondering out loud what drove him to such a desperate action.
Prison is an emotionally weighty place. So many of us men suffer from tremendous losses, multiplied by the knowledge that we are responsible for those losses. For some prisoners, this burden is just the foundation. On top of that is the knowledge that others have suffered because of us, and that waiting for us after prison is a society who not only rejects us but fears us too.
America is supposedly a land of second chances, but many people in society, and many of our laws, contradict this fantastical idea of American ideals. The burden of the harms we've caused is enough to crush many of us, but add society's total rejection on top of that...it's no wonder some men can no longer face that reality.
I have no doubt that some people, including people I love, may never forgive me, may never be okay with me leaving prison some day. And that's deeply troubling to me. I'd like for an opportunity to make things right, to prove that I am not the man I used to be. But I understand some may refuse me that chance.
That hasn't stopped me from, though, from putting in the work to transform my thinking and behavior. It won't stop me from attempting to repair the harms I've caused, even if I can never actually repair them. Even if that work has to benefit those I did not personally harm. It's a responsibility I bear, a debt I gladly work to repay.
America may never give some of us second chances, shackling us forever with the guilt of our past. But I refuse to let those shackles hold me hostage to the man I used to be. I may be locked up, but I won't be buried by hopelessness, or by bitterness.
Prison has changed me, without a doubt. I would never recommend it, as there are much less painful ways to affect change. However, I determined from day one to be corrected by this experience. It's never been easy, and it's come with a lifetime of suffering, but it is bearing fruit in my life.
Whether or not some will ever allow me to demonstrate that fruit, I'll be content to live out how I've changed, whatever my circumstances. And I'll hold onto hope for redemption, refusing to give into hopelessness or society's rejection of me.
Ugh
ReplyDelete