It's Hard to Hate Up Close, so Move In

 A Muslim, a Christian, and a Jew sit at a table together...

No, that's not the start of a politically incorrect joke. It's actually what I observed this morning when I looked out my cell door. Two men I often hang out with (the Christian and Jew) were sitting at a table talking with a Muslim man in my housing unit. 

With all the chaos and hate in the world, you'd think it'd be unusual, and perhaps surprising, to see people of three different faiths sitting around a table talking. But it's not unusual in prison. 

Yes, we still tend to gravitate towards people who are mostly like us, people of the same color, ethnicity, faith, and even sexual orientation and gender identity. But in a total institution like a prison, we also tend to more easily find commonality with people who are very different from us in many ways. 

We share common experiences specific to prison, and perhaps most importantly, we have suffered in similar ways. Many of us have experienced injustice in the courts, and we've seen corruption and experienced injustice in the prison system. There's nothing like common suffering to unite people. 

Yes, we're very aware that our suffering began with choices of our own making. We know we are the ones who blew up our lives (and often the lives of others). That's part of our suffering. But we also implicitly know the justice system is supposed to be a fair, and that those who enforce the law are supposed to follow it. We now know that's often not how things work. 

We know that prison is not supposed to be "fun," but it ought to be fair and just. We know we are supposed to take accountability for our criminal behaviors and their consequences, and many of us do. Yet, we see prosecutors violate the law and hide behind "prosecutorial immunity." Prison officials do the same thing. How is it supposed to encourage pro-social behavior among prisoners when those who hold us accountable use the law to avoid accountability for themselves? 

So, we find ourselves commiserating with people who are very different from us in many ways. And we find commonality in our shared experiences. 

We also have to live among each other. Perhaps this is a lesson the world could learn from those of us in prison. We can't choose who we live among, but if those in society would choose to get to know those who are different from them, they'd hate a little less. As researcher and psychologist Brene Brown says in one of her books, "It's hard to hate up close. Move in." 

We tend to fear what we don't know. That's probably why so many in society fear people convicted of crimes. But if you'd get to know us, you'd find we're not really that different from you. You might discover the same about the Muslim, Jew, Christian or "other" that you fear. 

So, go find an empty table, and invite others who are different from you to have a seat. Or better yet, go find a table full of "others" and ask if you can have a seat. You might just learn something, and you might also make a new friend among those you least expected.