You've probably heard the cliche, "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Well, this saying is a cliche for a reason. The fact is that there are more than two possible outcomes when you face hardships in your life. This saying also fails to acknowledge the power we each have in how we respond to hardships. We cannot always avoid the difficulties life throws at us, but we can choose our responses to them. It is our responses that often determine how those hardships shape us.
I know a man, I'll call him "Steve," who is serving a life sentence in prison. He's been in prison a long time, for more than thirty years. Steve is one of the most miserable people I've ever met. He is angry all of the time, highly critical of nearly everyone he meets, and the stress he subjects himself to is affecting his health. On one hand I feel bad for Steve because the misery of prison and the hopelessness he feels in spending the rest of his life here is a heavy burden to bear. But on the other hand, I feel sorry for him because he's chosen to respond to his toughest hardship in such a way that it has already stolen his life from him. He has surrendered his power to the hardship.
Another man I know, I'll call him "Rob," is also serving a life sentence in prison. He's been in prison longer than Steve, over forty years. But Rob has chosen to face his hardship differently. He quietly maintains a few healthy relationships with people outside of prison, takes care of his health while in prison, raises a Leader Dog puppy for the blind, and is generally kind to others around him. Rob's burden is not much different than Steve's, but his chosen response has cultivated a positive mindset, and his life is better for it.
Each of us, like these men, have the power to choose our responses to hardship. We don't always respond well, but here are a few suggestions that have helped me respond to hardship so that I am made better by it:
1. Start with faith--it helps if you truly believe that God has a plan for your life, even if you've "messed up" that plan with your choices. Cultivating faith in your life also feeds hope for a better tomorrow. Prayer helps too.
2. Be careful who you listen to--misery loves company, so if you want to avoid being miserable, stay away from miserable people. Listen to faith-filled, hopeful people who will encourage your desire to make the best out of difficult circumstances.
3. Remember that others are broken too--it's easy to expect better of others around us, but they have their own hardships too. A kind response to a miserable person costs you little or nothing, but it can make the difference in the rest of your day (and possible theirs too!).
4. Look for potential in every hardship--some hardships are nearly impossible to see any good in, but your response to those hardships makes all the difference. Think of people like Malala Yousafzai, the young Afghan girl who was shot in the face and who turned tragedy into triumph. Not only has she been an inspiration to thousands of people through her tragedy, but her life has incredible meaning now.
I'll be the first to admit that I don't get this right all the time. Sometimes I find myself discouraged with my circumstances. Sometimes the hardships get the best of me. But I have hope for a better future, and achieving that hope starts right now. It means living that hope today, even in the midst of tough times.
Monday, December 31, 2018
Saturday, December 22, 2018
Holidays in Prison Missing the Gift of Presence
A friend of mine outside of prison asked me how I feel about the holidays since coming to prison. It's a good question, and one that I've addressed before on this blog. The fact is that the holidays are very difficult for many prisoners. It is a time of year where many of us are especially reminded of all we are missing out on, and of the families we have disappointed and left without us. That makes some prisoners real scrooges who get mad if you wish them a Happy Thanksgiving, or a Merry Christmas. And don't wish them a Happy New Year, or you might just hear, "What's so happy about it?!"
During the holidays, the regular schedule of movement and activities in prison is interrupted, too. Sometimes the interruptions are because of special activities, like holiday games that are designed to help people take their minds off of their deep disappointment. But the very disruption of their schedule upsets some prisoners, who just want to work off their frustration in the weight pit, or run off a little steam. Another frustration of the holidays is that although it is a time where prisoners have even more time to watch television, the networks are dominated with Christmas themed shows and movies. For many prisoners, including me, these shows and movies only worsen the holiday blues. Normally, I'd love holiday movies, but they often remind me too much of my children whom I haven't seen in a decade, or of the love I used to share with their mother. It can be quite lonely and depressing.
I imagine that the holidays are sometimes just as difficult for the loved ones we left behind. For some families, the absence of their father, brother, son, or husband is a real damper on the Christmas spirit. Whether it is good memories shared in years past that cause a depressing nostalgia, or the pain of knowing the memories are all you have left to share, the families of prisoners also struggle during the holidays. I remember buying Christmas gifts for children of prisoners through the "Angel Tree" ministry at our church. It was rewarding to help those children have a better holiday when they had a loved one locked up. But presents pale in comparison to the gift of presence.
Yes, the holidays are hard, for prisoners and their loved ones. The separation from those you love is the hardest part. But I'm grateful for those who have faithfully sent me Christmas cards and letters over the years, who have given me a word of cheer and shared the joys in their lives with me. I'm also grateful for my mother who has faithfully visited me in prison, especially during the holidays. If nothing else, experiencing the holidays in prison has reminded me of what is the most important part of the holiday, and that is being surrounded by those you love.
May you, my readers, have a joyous Christmas, and may you remember that the gift of your presence is the best give you can give the ones you love.
During the holidays, the regular schedule of movement and activities in prison is interrupted, too. Sometimes the interruptions are because of special activities, like holiday games that are designed to help people take their minds off of their deep disappointment. But the very disruption of their schedule upsets some prisoners, who just want to work off their frustration in the weight pit, or run off a little steam. Another frustration of the holidays is that although it is a time where prisoners have even more time to watch television, the networks are dominated with Christmas themed shows and movies. For many prisoners, including me, these shows and movies only worsen the holiday blues. Normally, I'd love holiday movies, but they often remind me too much of my children whom I haven't seen in a decade, or of the love I used to share with their mother. It can be quite lonely and depressing.
I imagine that the holidays are sometimes just as difficult for the loved ones we left behind. For some families, the absence of their father, brother, son, or husband is a real damper on the Christmas spirit. Whether it is good memories shared in years past that cause a depressing nostalgia, or the pain of knowing the memories are all you have left to share, the families of prisoners also struggle during the holidays. I remember buying Christmas gifts for children of prisoners through the "Angel Tree" ministry at our church. It was rewarding to help those children have a better holiday when they had a loved one locked up. But presents pale in comparison to the gift of presence.
Yes, the holidays are hard, for prisoners and their loved ones. The separation from those you love is the hardest part. But I'm grateful for those who have faithfully sent me Christmas cards and letters over the years, who have given me a word of cheer and shared the joys in their lives with me. I'm also grateful for my mother who has faithfully visited me in prison, especially during the holidays. If nothing else, experiencing the holidays in prison has reminded me of what is the most important part of the holiday, and that is being surrounded by those you love.
May you, my readers, have a joyous Christmas, and may you remember that the gift of your presence is the best give you can give the ones you love.
Friday, December 14, 2018
Radical Reconcilation through a Radical Approach to Justice
Sometimes I wonder how practical restorative justice is to apply to the area of criminal justice. After all, most of the people I know who advocate for restorative justice have committed crimes. Of course, many of these people long for healing for their victims (which is a great thing), but when it comes to talking about forgiveness and restoration for offenders, it can seem a bit self-serving.
My deepest desire is that those I harmed would be healed. I'll be the first to admit, however, that I, too, long for forgiveness and restoration. I long to restore the relationships that were broken by my crime. I also long to be restored to wholeness by my community when I'm done serving my time in prison for my crime. Nevertheless, the reality is that our current system of "justice" doesn't allow offenders to return to wholeness. We might release offenders back to communities, but employment, housing, and other discriminations still exist for those who have earned the title of "Felon." Is this justice? Must those who have served their prison sentence bear the scarlet letter "F" for the rest of their lives?
Fortunately, many people who have never been convicted of a crime also believe that our current system of "justice" is broken and needs fixing. These advocates believe that not only do victims of crime need more attention for healing, but that wholeness cannot be achieved if the brokenness of offenders and communities is not also healed. These are the advocates for a restorative approach to justice.
On October 13, 2018, several hundred restorative justice advocates gathered at Calvin College in Grand Rapids, Michigan and listened to several speakers at the second annual Michigan Restorative Justice Conference. This year's speakers included philosopher and Yale professor Nicholas Woltersdorff, PH.D., Dominique Gilliard (author of Rethinking Incarceration), Father Kelly of Precious Blood Reconciliation Ministries, Michigan Representative David LeGrand, Jerlin Riley (the mother of a murdered son), and Charlotte Witvliet, PH.D. (forgiveness researcher and professor at Hope College).
If you, like me, wonder how restorative justice can be put into practice, you'll want to check out the videos of this year's conference. They are available for viewing at www.calvin.edu/prison-initiative/resources. This year's conference theme was Radical Reconciliation, which I found especially reflected in "Mother" Jerlin's message of hope and forgiveness for her son's murderer (who is a good friend of mine). Her message fanned the flame of hope in my heart for radical reconciliation in my own damaged and broken relationships. Her message, and the other excellent presentations, also gave me hope for restored wholeness, both for those I've harmed and for me when I return to society again. Restorative justice *is* a radical approach to justice, but it's the only approach that seeks wholeness and healing for all parties harmed by crime--victims, offenders, and communities.
My deepest desire is that those I harmed would be healed. I'll be the first to admit, however, that I, too, long for forgiveness and restoration. I long to restore the relationships that were broken by my crime. I also long to be restored to wholeness by my community when I'm done serving my time in prison for my crime. Nevertheless, the reality is that our current system of "justice" doesn't allow offenders to return to wholeness. We might release offenders back to communities, but employment, housing, and other discriminations still exist for those who have earned the title of "Felon." Is this justice? Must those who have served their prison sentence bear the scarlet letter "F" for the rest of their lives?
Fortunately, many people who have never been convicted of a crime also believe that our current system of "justice" is broken and needs fixing. These advocates believe that not only do victims of crime need more attention for healing, but that wholeness cannot be achieved if the brokenness of offenders and communities is not also healed. These are the advocates for a restorative approach to justice.
On October 13, 2018, several hundred restorative justice advocates gathered at Calvin College in Grand Rapids, Michigan and listened to several speakers at the second annual Michigan Restorative Justice Conference. This year's speakers included philosopher and Yale professor Nicholas Woltersdorff, PH.D., Dominique Gilliard (author of Rethinking Incarceration), Father Kelly of Precious Blood Reconciliation Ministries, Michigan Representative David LeGrand, Jerlin Riley (the mother of a murdered son), and Charlotte Witvliet, PH.D. (forgiveness researcher and professor at Hope College).
If you, like me, wonder how restorative justice can be put into practice, you'll want to check out the videos of this year's conference. They are available for viewing at www.calvin.edu/prison-initiative/resources. This year's conference theme was Radical Reconciliation, which I found especially reflected in "Mother" Jerlin's message of hope and forgiveness for her son's murderer (who is a good friend of mine). Her message fanned the flame of hope in my heart for radical reconciliation in my own damaged and broken relationships. Her message, and the other excellent presentations, also gave me hope for restored wholeness, both for those I've harmed and for me when I return to society again. Restorative justice *is* a radical approach to justice, but it's the only approach that seeks wholeness and healing for all parties harmed by crime--victims, offenders, and communities.
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
Best-Laid Plans or Pipe Dreams?
Several months ago, a young man who had left prison from our unit on parole returned to prison again. When he went home, he had little to return to, and the allure of his drug addiction pulled him back into old patters again. Soon, he found himself homeless and committing crimes again as he chased his high. It was hard seeing him return to prison yet again, when I know he has so much promise and potential. It seems like such a waste. At first, I didn't want to speak to him. I was angry to see that he had wasted his opportunity. But I understand the grip that addiction, especially opioid addiction, has on so many people. Despite sometimes years in prison, living drug free, many addicts are only functionally sober. They are simply existing in an abstinence loop until they have access to their drug of choice again. I decided to show some grace to this young man and do what little I can to try to help him break free from the chains of his addiction.
Not long after the first young man returned to prison, another promising young man left our unit on parole. He, too, had a history of drug addiction, but he formulated a plan for success. He knew that the same places and people would be triggers for him, so he moved to a different county, got a job, and moved his fiance and child to be with him. He had the support of mentors and church friends he'd met while he was in prison--even having an apartment provided to him so he could avoid the traps in his old life. He did well for a time, but his drug addiction pulled on him too. Last I heard, he was sitting in jail on new charges and a parole violation for his drug use.
Finally, this past weekend another young man who had left our unit on parole just nine days before was found dead of a drug overdose. Another wasted life. Another wasted opportunity. This man also had a plan in place for successfully avoiding the addiction trap. He had the love and support of his family, despite his history of drug addiction. He had a relapse prevention plan and parole plan in place, and he had goals for opening his own business and setting himself up for a drug-free life of success. Instead, he fell right back into the old addiction, yet again, and gave up his dreams and his very life for a temporary high.
Not all drug and alcohol addicts end up like these three young men did. Some successfully kick their habits and reform their lives. I wish I knew the key to their success, but it's different with each addict. It might be easy to judge these men for their failures--I find myself judging them at times. But the sad reality is that addiction is very complex, and non-addicts cannot understand the stranglehold that addictive substances (especially) and behaviors have on their victims.
Nevertheless, as a prisoner who watches these men leave prison and fail, it makes me angry because so many other men, myself included, long to leave these razor wire confines, yet we can't. Some of us have years left inside, while others will never leave. When we see others have the opportunity to leave and see them blow those opportunities, it is angering and disheartening. It's also sobering to realize that regardless of the plans prisoners might make for success, the reality of reentry and reintegration is so much harder than many prisoners might think. Dreams can only take one so far.
Not long after the first young man returned to prison, another promising young man left our unit on parole. He, too, had a history of drug addiction, but he formulated a plan for success. He knew that the same places and people would be triggers for him, so he moved to a different county, got a job, and moved his fiance and child to be with him. He had the support of mentors and church friends he'd met while he was in prison--even having an apartment provided to him so he could avoid the traps in his old life. He did well for a time, but his drug addiction pulled on him too. Last I heard, he was sitting in jail on new charges and a parole violation for his drug use.
Finally, this past weekend another young man who had left our unit on parole just nine days before was found dead of a drug overdose. Another wasted life. Another wasted opportunity. This man also had a plan in place for successfully avoiding the addiction trap. He had the love and support of his family, despite his history of drug addiction. He had a relapse prevention plan and parole plan in place, and he had goals for opening his own business and setting himself up for a drug-free life of success. Instead, he fell right back into the old addiction, yet again, and gave up his dreams and his very life for a temporary high.
Not all drug and alcohol addicts end up like these three young men did. Some successfully kick their habits and reform their lives. I wish I knew the key to their success, but it's different with each addict. It might be easy to judge these men for their failures--I find myself judging them at times. But the sad reality is that addiction is very complex, and non-addicts cannot understand the stranglehold that addictive substances (especially) and behaviors have on their victims.
Nevertheless, as a prisoner who watches these men leave prison and fail, it makes me angry because so many other men, myself included, long to leave these razor wire confines, yet we can't. Some of us have years left inside, while others will never leave. When we see others have the opportunity to leave and see them blow those opportunities, it is angering and disheartening. It's also sobering to realize that regardless of the plans prisoners might make for success, the reality of reentry and reintegration is so much harder than many prisoners might think. Dreams can only take one so far.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)