How Fear of a Putdown Damages Relationships

The other day I was walking back from chow with another inmate, and this prisoner used the opportunity to tell me that he felt a mutual friend of ours was very negative and put him down a lot. He then reinforced his grievance by telling me that a whole group of us treated him this way, and he felt like we did not respect him.

I was a little confused that this prisoner, who has a very negative outlook on life himself, would accuse someone else of being negative. But after listening to him I suggested that perhaps he was internalizing and personalizing things that were not meant to be a personal attack. This prisoner immediately assumed a victim role and said, "You're right. It's all my problem. I'm always the problem; it's never anyone else."

While I did suggest that his interpretation of other people's behavior might be inaccurate, my intention was simply to have him consider the power he had in his own response. That suggestion did not go over well.

Since that time I have been trying to figure out how to respond in situations like this. I want to be empathetic towards people and be a safe place for people to go when they need a listening ear. But I don't want to empower or reinforce criminal thinking patterns such as this prisoner's. I also don't want to surround myself with people who can only see life through a negative filter and who refuse to assume responsibility for their own reactions and responses. 

In his book The Criminal Personality, renowned criminologist Dr. Stanton Samenow lists one criminal thinking pattern as "fear of a putdown." Samenow states, "The criminal is hypersensitive when it comes to interpreting others' attitudes toward him" (260). 

Nobody likes to be put down, but just like my friend who interprets nearly everything other people say as a criticism of him, this excessive fear of a putdown is pervasive through prison. It doesn't always involve actual criticism though. According to Samenow, "For a criminal, a putdown occurs when someone else fails to meet his every desire, bend to his will, [or] fulfill his every expectation' (262). 

This sort of attitude leaves the family and friends of such a prisoner in an impossible bind: either coddle this criminal thinking or distance oneself from the prisoner. This fear of a putdown is like a security blanket an insecure prisoner holds onto as a way to shield himself from assuming responsibility for his actual failures. These failures, then, are always someone else's fault. 

I don't yet know how my understanding of this prisoner's behavior will change the dynamic of our friendship. It is abundantly clear to me that he does not want another perspective on his interpretation of others' behavior. Yet, I refuse to be a dumping ground for another prisoner's insecurity. 

For now, I will continue to hold space for him without sacrificing my truth shared in love. How he responds will simply be his own responsibility.