How to Say "No!"

It probably does not come as any surprise to my readers that prisoners are notoriously bad at saying no to what we want, but which may not be good for us. This history of bad decision making has led many of us to prison, but only after damaging our lives and the lives of those around us in the process. Each prisoner is different in the things he can't say no to, but some common threads are found throughout the prison population: drugs, money, sex, and violence. For various reasons, many of us found it difficult to say no to what we most certainly knew was not good for us in the long run. Perhaps we deluded ourselves into believing that saying yes "just once" wouldn't hurt us, and that led then to saying yes again and again until we were powerless to say no. 

For many people, not just prisoners, saying no to our desires leaves us feeling like we might be missing out on something. We might miss out on the pleasure of being high or the ability to forget our pain; the status and power of having money and what it buys; the pleasure, power, and sense of belonging from sex; or the feeling of power from violence. In our desperate pursuit of happiness, we trade long-term happiness for short-term pleasures, which end up leaving us addicted to the chase for the next pleasure. 

Since many of these addictive threads are found in prison, I suspect they are often rooted in feelings of powerlessness. Drugs, money, sex, and violence all may seem like solutions to the feeling of powerlessness, but in the end they imprison people who give up power over their ability to say no. This imprisonment does not always lead to actual prison, but it can be a prison of addiction from which those who pursue them continue to seek an ever elusive mirage of happiness. 

Many men in prison have been told "No!" their whole lives. No, you are not good enough. No, you are not important. No, you will not make it out of poverty. No, you will not forget the painful memories of your childhood. No, law enforcement will not protect you. No, your family and friends will not be there when you need them. After hearing "no" their whole lives, many prisoners refuse to tell themselves no. Instead, they give themselves permission to do whatever they want, consequences be damned. What many of us did not realize is that in refusing to say no to those things that would harm us, we were also saying no to the very happiness we longed for. 

The Dalai Lama has taught on happiness for years. He explains that making the right decisions in life is not a matter of giving up on something, or of saying "no" to something we desire for our pleasure. It is a matter of saying "yes" to happiness when we recognize that in the long run, what we must say no to will not contribute to our long-term happiness.*

We must be able to recognize those things that will harm our ability to be happy. Many of us know, instinctively, what will harm our happiness. We must simply be willing to say no to those things that will harm us by saying yes to our happiness. Drugs, money, sex, and violence all have histories of harming those who pursue them at all costs. Each of these things has its proper place, but as a means to long-term happiness, they all fail miserably. If you don't believe me, just ask anyone in prison who thought pursuing them would lead to happiness. 

*(Paraphrased from "The Sources of Happiness," by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler in Pursuing Happiness, Bedford/St. Martin's, 2016, Boston, 32)