Crushed Under the Weight of Loss

The theme of loss is a normal part of prison. When people are convicted of (and sometimes simply accused of) a crime, they lose their freedom and often lose family, friends, jobs or careers, homes, cars, savings, reputation, identity, and so much more. Victims of crime also experience significant losses. They may lose their sense of safety, valuable property or heirlooms, financial security, innocence, identity, families, friends, dignity, and so much more. Sometimes victims even lose their very lives. When a person is guilty of causing someone else these losses, that too is an added burden to their own losses--knowing they caused harm they cannot repair. 

This week, two of my friends, and fellow prisoner students, lost a parent. This all-too-common occurrence--losing a loved one while being locked up--is another added loss onto the already heavy burden many prisoners feel. Some prisoners turn to friends for support, prayers, and comfort when they experience losses, while others choose to bear their grief privately. Worse yet, some choose to repress their grief, only to express it in violent or other harmful ways. Anniversaries of losses and random reminders can trigger this grief to well up without notice. 

Various dates throughout the year are always difficult for me. My children's birthdays, certain holidays, my former wedding anniversary, and the date I was arrested are just a few. These dates especially remind me of my own losses and the grief I bear daily because of my terrible choices. March sixth is also a difficult day for me. Ten years ago that day was the last time I have seen or talked to my youngest daughter, who is now nearly seventeen years old. I didn't know at the time that it would be the last time I'd see her for all these years, so I never got to say what I would have liked to. I still hold out hope for a restored relationship with her (and others), but ten years has been a long time of unfulfilled hopes. 

Learning to live with loss is a difficult thing. It can be a heavy weight to bear. The multiplicity of losses and the pain that results from someone committing a crime is simply not worth whatever one seeks to gain. It's a cost none of us counted--for ourselves or our victims. I'll spend the rest of my life working to repair the harms I caused, but I can never get back the years I've lost with those I love the most.