Can You Make Someone Respect You?

The dictionary definition of *respect* is to have a high regard for. When we think of respect, we often think of it as something deserved or earned by another. Using this definition, I can name several people throughout my prison bit who have earned my respect. Their behavior, the way they treat others, and the way they keep their word are all elements that have earned my respect. But prison culture has a strange, and different, way of looking at respect. 

This culture assumes that you will respect the next man, whether he deserves it or not. This sort of respect is not to have a high regard for, but it is to honor another's pride. For example, one of my pet peeves is when people stop in the middle of a doorway, just standing there, and have no awareness (or respect?) for others around them. This happens *all the time* in prison. This lack of awareness for others is not respectful. It is rude and inconsiderate. But this behavior is not a personal assault on my own honor. It is simply general inconsideration for others. 

When someone is generally inconsiderate, it might yield a sharp rebuke or an under-the-breath curse, but it rarely rises to the level of "disrespect" that requires a physical response. No, these cases occur when someone's personal honor is at stake. Prison culture would have someone respond with violence when they are disrespected, when their own personal honor or reputation is demeaned. What it really boils down to, though, is pride and the desire to not look weak. 

This week I observed an example of this demand for respect. At breakfast a man several people in front of me made a simple request to the server behind the line. The server responded by cursing at him and calling him names. The man waiting for his food, a man I know to be peaceful and respectful of others, was forced to make a decision. Either he could ignore the disrespect of the server, which could cause the man to look weak, or he could respond with violence, defending his honor and right to be respected. His internal struggle with what to do took too long. The officers saw the situation, surrounded him, and took him out in handcuffs. He had done nothing and said nothing. He simply *looked* like he was about to. 

Everyone in the chow line knew the struggle this man faced, because they have faced it before. You can't be in prison for long without facing these situations. The question is, do you guard your reputation with violence (verbal or physical), or do you choose to stay peaceful and possibly look weak? This quandary is a matter of character, but it is also a matter of safety. If you look weak, you could be targeted for exploitation by others. 

In other countries where honor cultures are the norms, it is not one's own honor that is carefully guarded. It is the honor of a family or a community. In the United States, where rugged individualism reigns supreme, communal honor is hardly even considered. But prison culture strangely mixes these two norms. It is one's personal honor that matters the most and must be protected at all costs. 

But not all prisoners live by prison's cultural norm. Instead, they recognize the brokenness of others, give grace as they desire to have it, and choose to live peacefully with others, as much as they can. While some prisoners may view this choice as weakness, many others come to view these prisoners with real respect--the kind that is well deserved.