There's Nothing Special About Prison Food

"I was really looking forward to that holiday meal," Roger bemoaned. "But, man! I was sorely disappointed!"

Our Memorial Day meal is one of the few "holiday meals" served in prison. It's supposed to be "special," a welcome break from the monotony of prison's bland fare. Or at least that's what people new to prison, like Roger, think. 

Today's meal sounds decent on paper. Two hot dogs, coney sauce, beans, coleslaw, potato wedges, condiments, apple crisp, and ice cream. The problem is, the half-cup of beans were crunchy and tasted like they were half way burnt and half way freezer burnt. The potato wedges were baked "fries" that were rubbery and undercooked. They also had a strange, dull brown hue to them. The coleslaw was half-way decent, but it was no KFC slaw. One plus was the one ounce of relish and one ounce of coney sauce with our dogs. It's the only time of the year we see either. 

The desert wasn't too bad. The cold crisp wasn't crispy, except the apples that were undercooked. But it was edible, and the half a cup Styrofoam container of ice cream was good. We also had two hot dogs rather than the one we get with our normal hot dog meal. 

If you were to look at our prison menu, you'd probably think we were eating pretty decent most days. But the reality is quite different. It's so different, in fact, that most officers no longer will even eat the free meal they're offered. 

For example, the menu says we get "French toast" once a week or so. The French toast is really a thin and very dense piece of bread pudding that resembles French toast about as much as Monopoly money resembles U.S. currency. 

Our menu also includes Salisbury steak, which is nothing more than a single meatball (which prisoners call "cat head") that tastes suspiciously like it isn't meat at all. It also comes with mashed potatoes and gravy, but the potatoes, which we get with many of our meals, are never washed. They're so gritty with dirt they're inedible (unless you're hungry enough to eat them). They are also rarely mashed. Most of the time, they are just cooked so much and have so much water added to them, I call them dishwater potatoes. 

The menu also says we get turkey ham with beans and rice. The turkey ham is just bologna, and the beans and rice are mush. The meatballs and rotini noodles aren't bad if the noodles aren't overcooked and if you don't eat the meatballs or red sauce included. Yes, I'm talking about eating plain noodles. 

Furthermore, every meal includes some sort of vegetable, according to the menu. This usually consists of animal feed quality corn, or overcooked green beans, or (thankfully) edible carrots. Or it may be "salad," which is basically browning lettuce with a "ranch dressing" that is very heavy in garlic. 

I suppose on a day like Memorial Day, I shouldn't be complaining about the menu in prison. Instead I should be honoring the men and women who have given their lives for our country. At least I'm still able TO eat, even if it's barely edible prison food. 

One thing's for sure though. You'll never hear me reminiscing about the "good old days" in prison when the food used to be good (I do hear these stories at times). Nope. I'd rather use this horrible food as just another motivator to live my life right and stay out of prison. As Roger has recently learned, there's absolutely NOTHING to look forward to in prison, except getting out one day.