Lost Treasure, A Father's Lament

By far, the hardest part of prison for me has been losing my family. Prison is already isolating enough, but to lose those you love the most, and to be the cause of that loss, is a perpetually crushing weight to carry around. It is my biggest regret in life. I have been in prison now for just over nine years, and I have not seen or spoken to my children in all that time. 

Today, my youngest daughter turns sixteen years old. I vividly remember the last time I saw and spoke to her. I didn't know it would be the last time, and I often imagine what I might have said or done differently if I had known I wouldn't see her again for all these years. Every scenario I run in my head always ends with an embrace that I don't want to let go, and many tears, because I want her to know how much I love her and will never forget her. 

I have no control over my lack of communication with my children. That control was taken from me when I came to prison. But that doesn't stop me from praying for and thinking about my children every day as I long to reconcile with them. It has been three thousand, three hundred, and sixty-six days since I saw my youngest daughter last, and every single one of those days I have prayed for and thought of her. 

I remember her bubbly personality, always trying to cheer up others. She is a natural leader (like her dad) with deep compassion for others (like her mom). She is, as they say back east, "wicked smaht." She is also a fierce defender of what is right, often standing up for others. She is beautiful and wise, and she can be anything she wants to be. I don't know much about her life over the last nine years, but I know that these qualities she had before I came to prison are qualities that she will carry for the rest of her life. 

Although I cannot celebrate with her today, I am celebrating her life anyway. Her birth was the happiest moment of my life, and despite my failures as a father, I am proud to call her my daughter. She is no longer a baby, but she will always be my baby girl. I'm sorry I failed you---I will always love you.