What Happens When "Mistakes" Define Us

 I do not come from a family or community where incarceration is a normal part of life. My own life has been fairly sheltered from arrests, jails, and prisons, until my own arrest. I had the luxury of seeing law enforcement primarily in a positive light. But that is not the experience of many, many Americans. When one's friend or family member is arrested and goes to prison, it's simply not that unusual. 

But about ten years ago, a friend of mine was arrested, charged, convicted, and sent to prison. His crime was not against me, but the betrayal I felt because of his behavior led me to turn my back on him. I never contacted him or visited him because I felt like he had made his bed and now had to lie in it. 

Sadly, this attitude is all too common in communities where crime and prison are not a normal part of life. 

Now that I have had my own experience of rejection by most of my former friends (and even family), I realize how wrong I was to abandon my friend. He made some poor choices, for sure, but he owned those choices and worked on fixing the issues in his life that led to his crime. Still, I had left him to do that work alone, unsupported by me who once cared about him as a friend. 

Shimone Peres, Israel's Prime Minister in 1985 also faced a similar conflict when someone he considered a friend made a choice that hurt Peres, a choice that hurt many Jews. President Ronald Reagan had accepted an invitation from Germany to visit the Kolmeshohe Cemetery at Bitburg, Germany, where dozens of SS officers had been buried. This visit was prompted by post-war reconciliation efforts, and Reagan believed his visit would promote reconciliation. But Peres saw it as a betrayal of their friendship. 

Germany, and especially the SS officers buried at Kolmeshohe, had done unthinkable harm to Jews. While Peres supported reconciliation, he believed Reagan's visit to the cemetery was a big mistake. Remarkably, when asked about this conflict between his friendship with Reagan and his disagreement with Reagan's choices, Peres responded, 

"When a friend makes a mistake, the friend remains a friend, and the mistake remains a mistake." 

I don't believe my poor choices, or the poor choices of my friend were "mistakes." They were much more serious than simple lapses in judgment. But the moral of the story remains the same. I should have supported my friend, should have walked alongside him as he worked to repair the harm he'd caused by his choices. I'm so grateful that a few people have had the grace to do that for me, though I'm saddened by the other relationships I've lost due to my choices. 

By a twist of what I can only see as an act of God, a few years ago I did get to ask my friend's forgiveness for abandoning him in his time of greatest need. I wish I had let him remain a friend and his mistake remain a mistake instead of tying the two together. We all make bad choices at times, some worse than others, but a true friend will walk with you through the worse choices you make and urge you back to being the best person you're capable of being. 

Many of the prisoners who thrive and leave prison changed (for the better) do so precisely because they have people in their lives who can separate a person's bad choices from who they are. We all need these true north friends who can help light the way back to where we belong.